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I just do not know ... how to do this. I have no idea. I think I do not fully realize the extent of the disaster yet, because he has been gone since the beginning of October so I had plenty of time missing him already.

I wanted to know what has become of him rather than the uncertainty, but now that I come to think of it, it might have proven to be the 'this hurts too much do not know how to deal with it will try anything' kind of wanting. I think in truth, now that I know what I talk about, decidedly I did not want to know. And now the options are up; there is nothing else to try.

No damn sleep for me tonight ?

Is right; I deserve no rest. I received a message through one of the parrot boards, from the breeder of Wru, asking me to call him. I did and he ... told me a funny thing happened; he got a call from someone claiming he has found ... a dead parrot, with his band, and that the number corresponded with the identification code our Wru had. Whether I wanted to explain.

I did not tell him as of yet, because I could not bear to hurt him that way as I promised to keep his baby safe ... he is the kind that actually chooses whom his babies go to, and who is known to send a wannabe-parront away now and then; I broke the trust he put in me, and he does not even know how badly. I doubt I will dare to tell the whole truth.

So after all, my beautiful boy did find his way back.



Now I will have to mail his breeder the explanation ... some more addition for my things-to-do list (I have been so good with errands lately). I will also have to find out what actually happened ... where he was found (I asked twice, cannot recall what has been said), how long ago, what happened to him ... ask if I could get him back (should I ? I cannot decide whether it will matter to me in the long run and whether it would be positive of negative. Do I want to possibly find out what people do to a found dead bird ? What would be the best in respect of Whu himself ... because I can possibly not hurt more ?) ? Maybe I could get the band ... would mean I will know they severed my gorgeous boys' little foot to take it off; all of it breaks my heart because he was perfect. If I am to have any chance at all of getting anything of him back, I need to go back to the breeder asap and start finding out ... meaning I have to make the long explanatory mail/call I so do not need right now ... I wonder what course of action I should take that will make me hate myself the least in the end.

How can you even survive ... being responsible for the death of what you loved the most in this world ... what depended on you like a child depends on its' parent, and for what you have taken the vow to keep safe and protected ? How can you go on with the knowledge you killed something this perfect and innocent ... The reason I even still am here is Aswan; for her I did not leave. And while her little brother was not with us for all that long, I loved him deeply none the less. The pain is endless; indescribable, inescapable. I have images in my head ... of him, starving and freezing, with the little feet in the icy frosting on the branches of trees ... it is beautiful; such a beautiful winter I have not seen here before, the trees are white with frozen mist; en mogen al die rotbeesten daar in het bos doodvriezen --- wel mijn rotbeest is al dood; I do not know if he died of malnutrition or froze to death; what would be less horrible anyway ? All the time, he flew around there somewhere, hungry, cold and lonely, scared ... how utterly scared he must have been, not letting himself to be caught (because this parrot loved people and loved food; he was not in the least afraid of strangers), hurting with his trust in me broken, not understanding, knowing only that I allowed that to happen to him ... just --- I don't know. No words I think. I wish he ... died --- knowing I am sorry.

And if I did go and jump off the building because everyone would have been better off, then, as my brother once suggested, all this would have not happened. Regardless the pain I cause to my beloveds left and right, with this --- with the death of my precious little boy, my existence has become most taxing. Too much is too much ... and instead of finding Aswan a better home like I should have, I take upon myself the responsibility for another creature regardless of proving to not be capable of being a good parent to them. Because in essence ... all good pet ownership comes down to is keeping them alive in the first place. Or not letting them die in stupid, unnecessary happenings ... in the very least.

All the way down, I kept asking ... could this hurt more. Yes it does indeed --- until there is nothing left of what you appreciate ---

My head hurts so much. I thank you all who cared enough to offer your sympathy ... it is appreciated.




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My beautiful green baby is dead. 

Heh. Did I mention I am weaponed ? Snatched SO's Canon again; something the kids apparently failed to notice.





Blind shots in full darkness just upon awakening ... when the lights went on, of course proceeded to arguing as the etiquette commands (because what-you-don't-see-doesn't-exist-right), but the historical moment has been recorded in image.

But shhh; we did not see anything now, did we.




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You know, there is an actual reason for the fact that all of the smart help-yourself books on assertiveness mention such a thing as 'personal space'.

If you move n-times closer to me and I move n+1-times away from you, you should consider to get the message.

Seriously. I am all in for physical contact and that, but if I have no desire for a mid-life-crisised creep accompanied by a sweaty glittering forehead and a shopping cart full of junk breathing in my neck, do not stand so close to me. Just do not. Certainly it is rude to ask politely within a joke so that you do not have to feel embarrassed in front of the other people around, I apologize ... it was necessary, though; otherwise, I would have to have hit you.

I hate when people do that. Why do people do that ? Why would anyone even want to stand close to someone who obviously does not want them close ? I do not believe she did not notice; she could not not notice; everyone in the perimeter of 10 m noticed my stress and panicky attempts to flee. I hate to be touched by strangers, even accidentally ... (and did I have some good training at avoiding that in my youth years; memories of the good ole' PC adventures of an 'East-block' capital city). And I just saw it happen, so I stress out and try to get away, and she would not pay attention ...

Brrr. Though genuinely nauseated, back in the safety of my room again. I think that was it for today in regards of daring to venture out. No, no, the world is a place too vile for me; all sorts of things happen out there.




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I am very much in need of some good thoughts, my friends, so that is bad news for you. Here starts the Ireland saga; prepare for the huge entry, one of many, though cut for your convenience.

I have been to Ireland this August, 15-28/07, and I decided I should go on vacation more often. I have no means of describing how awesome it was and how much I fell in love with the country (thus I hope I can transfer some of those summer feelings to you through the pictures). I went there with a good friend and came back with the significant other.


I have something to torture you with during the long winter evenings that are to come, because as you see, we came back with loads of pictures and these above have been two days out of the two weeks.




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 Look what I woke up to this morning !



For you in order to understand, I will tell you what you are looking at : two parrots that have seen each other for the first time exactly a week ago, and who are side by side peacefully eating their meal . That, while she is the first Grey he has ever seen and he is the first Cockatoo she has ever seen, with that funny crest causing them both jump away from each other for the first few days.

I have had sleeping them in the same cage from day 1, which is amazing in itself; though they did sleep on the opposite sides of the cage. This morning I was a little late with getting up (meaning 08:20; the life of a parrot mommy is no walk in the park because there is always a meal to be fixed, heh), so upon waking up and turning my head to the cage instinctively to check up on the kids, I see them sitting on the perch side by side this close for the first time, as if they have never done differently, searching for food in the empty bowls and looking up at me with the very same reproachful expression on both the faces (how does mommy dare to sleep when the tummies are empty !?!).

Damn I am proud of them.




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Now I have to kill my dad.

See the time of the previous entry ? Now count back; it is 03:34 and I am wide awake again because apparently he is dying-sick and needed to fix himself tea, making so much noise it seemed the whole f*cking house is coming down. Not the first round of tea this night, either. I feel very sorry for him because he is not well, I really do, but I am not well either; I am exhausted, and tomorrow he will be even less well because the crankiness will burst through my ears.

(But nooo, he will want me to be NORMAL and run all the errands with him)

I have decided that for pink, this time is as good as any time.





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Alright, I officially give up on this night. It finally hit me as I knew it would, so I have been bawling all night long and now I am exhausted and tired of myself.

I have ... the world's most beautiful creation sitting in the cage next to me since Sunday afternoon, and I would give anything for it to be not this intensely stunning Tas sitting there looking at me with those huge soft black watery baby-eyes being lovely, but my little Wru. Anything. It would be a 'peek-a-boo', then, followed by him running to me as if for his life, burying into my shoulder with a few baby-squeaks and fighting with me with all the might and foxiness he could muster to not be put into bed anywhere else but on me. Because where Aswan is the flirt to men and loves my dad and my boyfriend, Wru was my baby; Wru was the one who would fly around the house following me, and who would sleep with me on the couch like a two months old while we watched the TV.

We have called him Tastrophy, and although it might look as if I have found myself a substitute for Wru very quickly, I know I did not, and I need him to heal from the loss of my baby (I never will entirely; you never do) and I know I do am a good mother to my babies. I still believe; have to believe, that Wru will find his way back to us one day. Or that he is alive, at the very least.








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Wru is gone. Please pray and hope for us, with us, for his safe return, if you can. I know I have been gone for long and have let everyone down, but I need this and after this, I will be back and will be here for everyone. I swear that.

He is somewhere in the forest, which is good, because he is as safe from the predators as he can be, and it is relatively warm and there is a lot of food around. He is smart, he will see what the other birds eat, and he loves to eat and isn't picky so he will not starve. He can fly, and he is emotionally strong and flexible and he is in great physical shape, so he will not exhaust himself, so that he can better battle the temperature. He is as tame as possible, he loves people, so he will respond to them. And there are thousands walking routes in the forest where thousands dog owners walk on daily basis ... if someone stands a chance, than it's my parrot. So much higher than when one of those clipped livingroom cageparrots escape. We have spread the word, so everyone who comes in the forest will look, and he will be found.

Let's pray that in the meantime, he doesn't run into a predator, and that he doesn't run into a poisonous tree/plant.

We had such a lovely day ... until I did what I would NEVER do, and if he dies, I have killed him with my stupidity. I have no idea why I did it, and the stupidity of the deed hurt and will be paid. But not now, now please pray or hope or with with us, because he must and will return to us. Thank you.




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( Pretty baby )




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( Own reference )




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I think I hold a little strange feeling towards our vegetable farmer right now. I went there and bought 2kg (4.4lb) of cherries. She put them in their standard plastic bag. Once headed home, at a certain point, the bag burst along the bottom seam.




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Same reasons, nothing personal.




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You never knew what that distinct feeling of missing something was until you have shared your bath with a parrot.


Floof !

You know the boy and his blanket ? I give you the boy and his ...

( Mmm )

... shower curtain !?!




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After a bath worth an hour of my life and a nice face peeling and all those things girls generally like to do and I generally despise greatly, I got to the point of feeling almost like a human. Now I only need to look like one.

I am tired beyond any polite measure. And cranky.

I could not sleep on Friday (birdsitted birds decided we need a jungle at 6:15 am), I could not sleep on Saturday (some stupid fuck had to start working on the cobblestones of the parking place right under our windows, making our walls shake and producing noise of the volume and style I always connected with earthquakes at 7:45 am), on Sunday (cat decided he has to and WILL venture out at 7:00 am) and I definitely did not have enough sleep on Monday, either, because the wonderrrful, lovely and nice (grinding teeth) kitty placed himself in the middle of our hall upstairs - for echo - and began meowing at the top of his lungs at 4 o' clock in the morning. There are times that pets are way more joy than one can handle.

Other than that, life is sweet. Lived by the rules of parroty duties and cat ointment. I spend an hour and half every morning chopping vegetables, cleaning cages, changing water and doing the usual morning dance of a parrot owner x 4. Then I dig the cat out of the farthest corner under the bed for a little kitty-wrestling that became a habit over the past week in order to apply cat eye ointment into his human's eyes (and mouth and nose and ears and in the couch too). I am fortunate enough to have a cat that understands that my poor humanly skill and courage does not suffice to apply my cat ointment all by me onesies and lends himself for assistance every single time, three times a day. His patience is priceless. I am filled with sorrow by the fact we are going for the check-out appointment tomorrow already and after that, there will probably be no more cat ointment.




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( I have a bird that turns purple when he feels like it )




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I would like to fall asleep now. Thank you.




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This is crucial. The known facts :

'African Grey parrots are very active and should be provided with as large a cage as possible. Cage size; the bigger the better. You'll need a large cage for these guys. I would recommend a minimum in the area of 3 feet by 2 feet by 4 feet tall, but bigger is definitely better when it comes to housing parrots'

( Oh really )

Now someone please go and explain to that silly thing what kind of housing he needs.




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