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27 November 2007 @ 02:20 am
Alright, I officially give up on this night. It finally hit me as I knew it would, so I have been bawling all night long and now I am exhausted and tired of myself.

I have ... the world's most beautiful creation sitting in the cage next to me since Sunday afternoon, and I would give anything for it to be not this intensely stunning Tas sitting there looking at me with those huge soft black watery baby-eyes being lovely, but my little Wru. Anything. It would be a 'peek-a-boo', then, followed by him running to me as if for his life, burying into my shoulder with a few baby-squeaks and fighting with me with all the might and foxiness he could muster to not be put into bed anywhere else but on me. Because where Aswan is the flirt to men and loves my dad and my boyfriend, Wru was my baby; Wru was the one who would fly around the house following me, and who would sleep with me on the couch like a two months old while we watched the TV.

We have called him Tastrophy, and although it might look as if I have found myself a substitute for Wru very quickly, I know I did not, and I need him to heal from the loss of my baby (I never will entirely; you never do) and I know I do am a good mother to my babies. I still believe; have to believe, that Wru will find his way back to us one day. Or that he is alive, at the very least.

Current Mood: drainedDrained
Current Music: Novembre ~ Verne
zuleika on November 27th, 2007 03:40 am (UTC)
Stunning birds and you have nothing to feel bad about but I do have a warning for you!

Once Majors hit around 10 years old and their hormones change they become VERY agressive towards other birds even their mates. They have been known to rip the beak right off a mates face.

Only downside to the breed!
Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on November 27th, 2007 08:36 pm (UTC)
Don't worry, I'm aware of the aggression issues of Cockatoos and the MM in particular so I will definitely be very careful with them. He has shared the cage with two Citron-cresteds and an Umbrella since he had weaned, and as he's still a baby at +/- half a year, I don't see the harm of shared play-time, the more that I'm always there supervising and don't let them interact with each other. Thank you for the warning, though :)

How are you & your beebs doing ?
zuleika on November 27th, 2007 09:22 pm (UTC)
It won't be an issue for a bit yet but yeah it's scary how they turn on their mates when no other too seems to.

Mine are good, loud and sooky as usual 0:)
Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on November 28th, 2007 04:53 am (UTC)
I know. Him sitting here in my room is probably the next proof of yet another malfunction of my brain, heh. First, they are sinfully expensive over here (I'm a little ashamed, actually, that we've spent this much on a bird while we could make a whole bunch of kids without parents happy with a donation), and second, I've stepped over my unwritten principle of not doing Cockatoos because I always found the risk it will go wrong and the chance I'll make him an unhappy, perhaps mutilating nervous wreck too great. And there, you see it. He killed my brain with cute *rolleyes*. Pink, fluffy cute. How wrong, ROFLMAO; I'm all metal ! I hate pink. Give me TROO and RAW. I don't need a PINK bird :p
dizzyweb on November 27th, 2007 08:33 am (UTC)
*bigass hug*

Good luck.
Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on November 27th, 2007 08:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you, my dear. It will all fall into place eventually ... I just have to heal. How have you been doing ?
Enigmawill_ah_wisp on November 27th, 2007 03:51 pm (UTC)
Oh darlin - thi must be such a hard time for you. I know how it fels tolose a loved one...I know how it feels to hope that one day they'll show up again on your doorstep. I had a cat once who came to us before she was ready to be taken away from her mother - so I became her mom...she would follow me everywhere around the house and outside, would sleep curled up in the curve of my neck every night, would lie across my shoulders for hours as I walked around the house, would wait for me outside the bathroom..lol...one day she went outside and never came home again. I was heartbroken. I had kept one of her kittens, but it felt like I was replacing her and I was so torn between wanting to do right by this new kitten and wanting to honor the memory - and hold out hope - for my sweet little cat.

That said, your new Tas is beautiful. Simply gorgeous color. I hope that you two can find your way towards closeness.
Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on November 28th, 2007 04:43 am (UTC)
Ah, my dear Shallom. Always trying to bring comfort to the others, not knowing how to comfort herself. But you have no idea. I have let him go. He didn't 'just' ... not come back one day. I did it, and my pain is not pure, because it is stained with guilt. I know the pain wasn't less when your sweetie got lost, but you knew you gave her the best life she could have and that you were a good mother to her. I let Wru down, who depended on me (because he won't survive out there in the wild, while a cat could), who trusted me with his life to protect him. And now he is gone, perhaps dead, and mine is the guilt that can never go away. He was 1.5 year old, and these animals can live well up to 50. I was living towards getting old together with my babies.

And so it goes. But Tas IS beautiful; he is gorgeous and he is too gentle and sweet. I found him because I hope he will help me heal after the initial hit, and I need to grieve and heal, or it would break me.

Thanks for the update, I'm off to you :)
Jantienmeilliyon_ on November 27th, 2007 06:07 pm (UTC)
Hey you, haven't talked to you in a while. I knw how much you miss Wru, you were so proud of your baby. A big hug Jay, I think you need it.

Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on November 28th, 2007 04:46 am (UTC)
Jantje !!! Ik heb je SMSjes gehad, maar nog geen tijd om er terug op te komen; twee studies, tentamens, de kindjes, nog een kindje (want ik ben bezet sinds mijn vakantie, let op, in Ierland 8) in augustus) ... ik was net bezig om weg te gaan naar een tentamen van psychologie toen ik je SMSje had ontvangen dat je naar Ierland verhuist. Ik ben ZO jaloers, niet met woorden te beschrijven ! Ik ben zo verliefd op de land geworden ...

Vertel ! Hoe ben je erbij gekomen; wen waar ga je daar wonen ? Voor hoe lang ? En hoe gaat het met jou ?

Ik hoop van harte dat je je gaat vermaken en alleen maar gelukkig word daar, en hou ons op de hoogte, ok ?

Jantienmeilliyon_ on November 29th, 2007 11:24 pm (UTC)
Jitje! Binnenkort maar weer eens een keertje uitgebreid bellen, ben in december weer terug in Nederland dus dan kan het weer goedkoop. Als je langs wil komen in Dublin, laat het me even weten want ik heb wel een bed voor je hier.

Waarom Ierland? Omdat ik een aantal jaar geleden verliefd werd op het land, er in februari heenging. In oktober vroeg een vriendin of ik naar Ierland kwam voor Halloween en toen vroeg ze of ik bij haar wilde komen wonen omdat ze nog een huisgenoot zocht. Dus ik zei ja, omdat ik volgend jaar hier toch al heen wilde gaan om fotografie te gaan studeren! Dus zo gezegd, zo gedaan en ik ben afgelopen zaterdag hierheen gegaan met de belangrijkste spullen (waarom kan je maar 20 kilo meenemen in het vliegtuig?). December weer terug naar Nederland, voor kerst, kerstshoppen met mams en meer spullen mee hierheen nemen... Dus zaterdag hier komen wonen (Dublin), voorgoed hoop ik, het is zo'n geweldig land.

Met mij gaat het goed, alleen moe van hierheen verhuizen zaterdagochtend, met de bus naar Cork zaterdagmiddag, feestjes zaterdag en zondagavond, maandagmiddag terug naar Dublin. Dinsdag lekker niksen (en eindelijk fatsoenlijk slapen), gisteravond weer een feestje met de band die ik zondag leerde kennen en vandaag weer eindelijk een dagje niksen. Maar wel vroeg op vanochtend omdat ik op een vriend z'n bank sliep en die niet heel erg comfortabel was... Dus met mij gaat het goed, wel druk maar gelukkig. Hoe gaat het met jou?

Uiteraard hou ik je op de hoogte! Liefs
keepthelightoutkeepthelightout on November 27th, 2007 11:02 pm (UTC)
i've missed you, sweetie. i agree with will ah wisp - i hope someday the pain goes away, bit by bit. and even more than that i hope your sweet baby arrives back in your arms.
Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on November 28th, 2007 04:54 am (UTC)
Thank you (((hugs))). I've missed you too. How are you ?
Lost Causeminteckers on November 28th, 2007 10:23 am (UTC)
I'm sure this is a stupid question, but do you know why they don't spay/neuter birds? Is it because they are so fragile when it comes to anestesia? Obviously their reproductive areas aren't the same as mammals, but it seems like there could be something people could do to help avoid those crazy hormones.

at any rate, he's gorgeous.
Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on November 28th, 2007 11:26 am (UTC)
There are no stupid questions ! Well, that's what they say ... there actually ARE stupid question, but this one is not. As far as I know the procedure is done in very rare cases of life threatening chronic egg-laying/binding in female parrots because it's very risky. I haven't heard of a case when a male bird had been neutered (or spayed ... I never know which is which, lol), probably because what is done generally doesn't alter the hormonal/behavioral side of the problem.

There are two main pissues. First, anesthesia and birds don't go well together, even with the sophisticated and far safer methods of these days. Birds are complicated because of their delicate and high functional gas-exchange; they need to get a high dose of the anesthetic gas in order to fall asleep and they are hard to wake up; it happens that a perfectly healthy bird that had never complications simply doesn't come back. Second, there is a major vein running very close to the reproductive organs of parrots. That is also the reason why they don't do a real neuter/spay procedure, even on the females, so in most cases, it truly only solves only the problem with chronic egg laying/binding simply because the famale physically loses the ability to produce eggs, while she still becomes hormonal (with all the trouble behind) when it's that time.

I hope I'm not too far off, otherwise I'm sorry for mystifying you but I was convinced it's something like the story above :)
fragment (consider revising)_the_other_side on November 29th, 2007 03:21 am (UTC)
He is beautiful. And not a replacement for Wru, just an addition to Wru's memory. Or rather, your memory.

Glad to see you posting. I will send you my address soon!

Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on November 30th, 2007 09:40 am (UTC)
I know ... if only because no other bird can every replace our little Wru. Every single one of these feathered buggers ;) is unique, and he really was special.

Waiting for the add; glad to read you again, too.

Sheri: HORSE WITH WREATH BY  lidibooksaremyhabit on November 29th, 2007 10:47 pm (UTC)
ahhhh...I was so hoping he would have come back by now, I'm so sorry
Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on November 30th, 2007 09:36 am (UTC)
No hope lost; he's banded and chipped and I have all his papers, so once he shows up somewhere, I have the means of solid-rock-proving we are his family. And if he is alive at all, he is bound to show up somewhere one day, be it a vet or some other kind of official instance. I'll wait for him.

(((Hugs))) thank you :)
Leo: cat eyesleolapyre on December 1st, 2007 03:51 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry to hear that you have not been able to find Wru :(

Losing a pet is so difficult, and I wish there was something that I could offer to help. Unfortunately, after I lost Midnight, the only thing that really helped was time. Time heals, but there will always be a scar left behind. There will also be beautiful memories to hold onto to keep your pet alive in your heart.


Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on December 2nd, 2007 10:47 am (UTC)
I'm sorry for your loss, too ... and I'm sorry for us both to know how it hurts to lose a pet.

It's just ... there has been no closing, either, you know ? I think that is part of the problem. I don't know whether he's dead of alive somewhere, whether some f*cker kept him. I keep going back and forth between hope, despair, anger (why would someone keep such a pet, when it is obvious somebody loved him and cared for him very well and would certainly be looking for him ? What in the #$%^&*( hell is wrong with people). I keep breaking my head over thinking of what I should do next and what is left still to do to try to get him back.

I fear ... I'll never get to know what became of him, and never find peace because there will be a chance for the rest of my life (as they can live well up to 50+ years).

(((Hugs))) I wish for easier times on all of us.