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23 December 2007 @ 05:42 am
I just do not know ... how to do this. I have no idea. I think I do not fully realize the extent of the disaster yet, because he has been gone since the beginning of October so I had plenty of time missing him already.

I wanted to know what has become of him rather than the uncertainty, but now that I come to think of it, it might have proven to be the 'this hurts too much do not know how to deal with it will try anything' kind of wanting. I think in truth, now that I know what I talk about, decidedly I did not want to know. And now the options are up; there is nothing else to try.

No damn sleep for me tonight ?

Is right; I deserve no rest. I received a message through one of the parrot boards, from the breeder of Wru, asking me to call him. I did and he ... told me a funny thing happened; he got a call from someone claiming he has found ... a dead parrot, with his band, and that the number corresponded with the identification code our Wru had. Whether I wanted to explain.

I did not tell him as of yet, because I could not bear to hurt him that way as I promised to keep his baby safe ... he is the kind that actually chooses whom his babies go to, and who is known to send a wannabe-parront away now and then; I broke the trust he put in me, and he does not even know how badly. I doubt I will dare to tell the whole truth.

So after all, my beautiful boy did find his way back.

Now I will have to mail his breeder the explanation ... some more addition for my things-to-do list (I have been so good with errands lately). I will also have to find out what actually happened ... where he was found (I asked twice, cannot recall what has been said), how long ago, what happened to him ... ask if I could get him back (should I ? I cannot decide whether it will matter to me in the long run and whether it would be positive of negative. Do I want to possibly find out what people do to a found dead bird ? What would be the best in respect of Whu himself ... because I can possibly not hurt more ?) ? Maybe I could get the band ... would mean I will know they severed my gorgeous boys' little foot to take it off; all of it breaks my heart because he was perfect. If I am to have any chance at all of getting anything of him back, I need to go back to the breeder asap and start finding out ... meaning I have to make the long explanatory mail/call I so do not need right now ... I wonder what course of action I should take that will make me hate myself the least in the end.

How can you even survive ... being responsible for the death of what you loved the most in this world ... what depended on you like a child depends on its' parent, and for what you have taken the vow to keep safe and protected ? How can you go on with the knowledge you killed something this perfect and innocent ... The reason I even still am here is Aswan; for her I did not leave. And while her little brother was not with us for all that long, I loved him deeply none the less. The pain is endless; indescribable, inescapable. I have images in my head ... of him, starving and freezing, with the little feet in the icy frosting on the branches of trees ... it is beautiful; such a beautiful winter I have not seen here before, the trees are white with frozen mist; en mogen al die rotbeesten daar in het bos doodvriezen --- wel mijn rotbeest is al dood; I do not know if he died of malnutrition or froze to death; what would be less horrible anyway ? All the time, he flew around there somewhere, hungry, cold and lonely, scared ... how utterly scared he must have been, not letting himself to be caught (because this parrot loved people and loved food; he was not in the least afraid of strangers), hurting with his trust in me broken, not understanding, knowing only that I allowed that to happen to him ... just --- I don't know. No words I think. I wish he ... died --- knowing I am sorry.

And if I did go and jump off the building because everyone would have been better off, then, as my brother once suggested, all this would have not happened. Regardless the pain I cause to my beloveds left and right, with this --- with the death of my precious little boy, my existence has become most taxing. Too much is too much ... and instead of finding Aswan a better home like I should have, I take upon myself the responsibility for another creature regardless of proving to not be capable of being a good parent to them. Because in essence ... all good pet ownership comes down to is keeping them alive in the first place. Or not letting them die in stupid, unnecessary happenings ... in the very least.

All the way down, I kept asking ... could this hurt more. Yes it does indeed --- until there is nothing left of what you appreciate ---

My head hurts so much. I thank you all who cared enough to offer your sympathy ... it is appreciated.

Current Mood: blankBlank
Current Music: Saturnus ~ Noir
Anncathann on December 23rd, 2007 07:35 am (UTC)
Beschuldig jezelf niet zo, het is niet waar; jij bent een geweldige papegaaienmama en het is zo oneerlijk dat dit juist jou overkomt. Anderen nemen zo veel risico's met hun vogels terwijl jij absoluut niet, en toch gebeurt dit. Je verdient dit niet.

Ik ben ook enorm blij dat jullie hier deze zomer waren. Zo heb ik hem toch echt gekend en weet ik wat een schat het was.

Het is zo intens triest en ik wou echt dat ik - iemand - je pijn kan wegnemen. Ik leef heel erg met je mee meiske.

the_picture_of on December 23rd, 2007 10:49 am (UTC)
Ann is right. You put way too much blame on yourself and you should stop doing that. Claiming everything that has happened is your fault is nothing but injustice towards yourself. Bringing yourself down is perhaps your way of coping, but it is wrong. You do not deserve it, Wru does not deserve it, and your loved ones do not deserve it either.

You know that you are a good mother for your parrots, you know that you have done everything in your power to care for them and to get Wru back. Mourn for him, but stop blaming yourself. Whatever blame there ever could have been has long been paid back in tears.

Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on December 23rd, 2007 11:39 am (UTC)
Perhaps I should try to trick myself into thinking his death is not on my account, right, how exactly do you do that ? I would love to ... it is more than I can handle to deal with his loss alone, let be the fact it was of my direct doing. It is not my way of coping; I have none.
ever_smallerever_smaller on December 23rd, 2007 11:12 am (UTC)
Oh Jitka, it brings me to tears for Wru and for your pain. It is not your fault. I know you cant see that but I wish you could. And when I have found dead birds before, normally small wild birds, or when my cats have brought one in and it has not survived despite my care, I wrap it in cloth and put it in the freezer. If it is a bird that has a tag, I would not hurt the bird to remove it, it is not hard to see the numbers when the bird is not wriggling about, you dont need to remove the leg or anything. I doubt they would have done that, and I hope that they too treated him with the respect that ALL bodies deserve, especially something as beautiful and intelligent as Wru. If a taxidermist doesnt want the body, I bury it so it can go back into the ground (although if it had a tag of course I would make sure it was reported and if it had an owner I would keep the body wrapped and preserved until I knew if they wanted it) From the point of view of the better death, I think being tired and cold is probably the best way, knowing that accounts from humans say that although the cold is difficult to start with, once you are numb and there is no pain, a beautiful peace comes over you before you fall asleep. If that is how he went, he would have been asleep and at peace hopefully. I think that is the most likely way. I hope you can get answers that help you, and I'm sure the breeder will know that it wasnt your fault. You would never have purposefully let harm come to any of your babies. He would know that, and so did Wru. xxx
zuleika on December 23rd, 2007 12:48 pm (UTC)
All you need to do is add photos of your time with him and the breeder would see he made the right decision, sadly animals like people do not live forever no matter what you do to protect them.

my_hypocrisymy_hypocrisy on December 23rd, 2007 12:53 pm (UTC)
Oh honey, I am so, so sorry. I understand your pain and grief, and my heart hurts for you. But please...please stop being so damned harsh on yourself.

I understand the need to blame yourself, and understand that somehow the idea that you did something wrong is easier to deal with than the idea that the world is just so unfair that things like this happen. I understand the desire to punish something for taking away your beloved, and the natural inclination to punish yourself because nothing else is in your reach. But I absolutely hate seeing you make yourself feel worse like this, and hate seeing you minimise the goodness and humanity in you. You're not doing anyone any good with that kind of mental self-mutilation.

I won't tell you to not grieve or not have regrets. But I will tell you to stop hurting yourself this way. You have babies to love and they need you. Please stop telling yourself that you're worthless and a bad mommy. It isn't true at all, not for one little tiny moment, but the more you tell yourself it is, the more likely you are to do things to try to prove it to yourself. Please, please, please, give yourself a little love and mercy. You DO need and deserve that. ♥
Enigmawill_ah_wisp on December 23rd, 2007 07:41 pm (UTC)
Oh Darlin - words cannot express how my heart hurts for you and yours. I wish I could be there for you...anything I say here seems trite, and ineffectual at best.
Jantienmeilliyon_ on December 24th, 2007 04:47 pm (UTC)
Oh sweety, I'm so so sorry. I for Aswan is happy with you as her owner, let people not tell you different. Let yourself not tell you different. You're not worthless, you should not jump off a building. I'm here for you.

photons eventually break everything they touchyaymatt on January 15th, 2008 12:00 am (UTC)
oh my god. i would never get over it. that hole in my heart would never heal.
Happily ever aftershi_illegitima on January 15th, 2008 07:03 am (UTC)
I think you are not supposed to 'get over it', that looks too much like not caring anymore. In that sense, I am in a masochistic kind of way 'glad' I feel the pain. Because it means he is still with me, it is proof of how much he meant to me.

It should be getting 'better' with the time, though. Which isn't happening yet. If something, it is getting worse.

Now at least I know for sure I will never have a human baby. If not for all other considerations, the sheer horror of the idea how it must be when you lose one will prevent it well.
sannekesanneke on February 7th, 2008 07:55 pm (UTC)
Het spijt me heel erg hoe alles is gegaan en ik leef mee met je verlies.
Jij en Wru verdienden dit niet.
Maar geef jezelf niet de schuld, je kunt hier niets aan doen.
Ik vind het echt verschrikkelijk voor je!